In life we are always faced with challenges and expectations. Sometimes these are things we just have to go through as a fact of life.Â More often we do these things to ourselves. I am especially guilty of this. I always bite off more than I can chew. I am also seriously my worst critic. I look to others frequently for self-assurance but still assume they are hiding their true feelings from me. I have done this since school.Â With every “A” I received on a paper, I always wondered was it truly good, or did it just meet the assignments expectations. I always wonder if there is more that is not being said and I will analyze and contemplate the hidden meaning, till it drives me completely crazy.
Now imagine all these self-doubts, and add in Twitter and users following and un-following you like it is nothing. Each added follower provides a new excitement and with the loss of a follower, I instantly wonder why and what I could do better. I am wondering if I am just boring my followers or do they just not like what I have to say. Also I see my statistics on my posts, and think wow, people have actually looked at them.Â Then I immediately wonder, does each Hit mean someone read what I wrote or did they just glance at the page and move on.Â I know I am guilty of this as well with others webpages.
In response to all these doubts and concerns, I have decided to control what I can,Â I am going to work on making my writing the best it can be. As I am writing this I’m trying to figure out a good writing schedule. I am hoping that my followers are just getting bored with the lack of consistency and new information. My solution, figure out a way to keep it interesting and provide lots of new content.Â I want a way to be able to maximize my time and I want to start and complete all my writing ideas. I have never been good at finishing any projects I start andÂ trust me I have probably a few years of work between crafts and writing. The idea seems kind of daunting at first glance.
However, I know the first step to writing, actually sit down and write. Well I’m not sitting down, I’m laying down (or sitting down days later to edit) and when I start to write, it’s easy.Â All the thoughts and ideas that have been swimming around in my head finally have a voice and they just come out. I’ll re-read my writing and be surprised it was me who wrote it. I know I wrote it cause there is definitely no writing elves doing my work for me, as much as that would make my life so much easier. Oooo can I forgo the writing elves and just get a set of cleaning elves?Â I think that could help me keep up with EVERYTHING that I expect myself to do.Â I digress.
For the first time though, I feel I have really found that something I have been searching so long for.Â I enjoy writing, I have lots of ideas, I think I’m doing a good job. I feel I have strong stories but with anything, especially in blog form there is a need to edit and polish. I will also be the first to say, I’m awful at grammar and I hope no one uses that against me, but I am trying hard. I am trying to be a writer, an editor, a publicist, a social media expert on top of everything else I am as a person, mainly a mom who needs to support her family.
This can’t be just a hobby, I need to figure out how to make it so I can earn money in order to be able to put the time in that I need to do, everything I want to do.Â I was always told thatÂ anything worth doing, is worth doing right and I want to be good at what I do.Â I want others to enjoy reading my writing, as much as I enjoy writing it. In order to get others to be able to read my work, there is a whole other side of writing, which is to get others to be able to find it.Â It’s hard to get things out there though, if you do not have anything for people to read. Such a circular argument, that would drive anyone crazy. So the point I’m trying to make is, why is it so hard for me to just write?
I think it is because this is not going to be just something else I give up on or don’t have time to do. I want writingÂ to be my life.Â I want to be able to write various work s and have multiple projects going on.Â I get distracted easily and I need things to keep my attention.Â I do not want to get stuck in a little box where it isÂ assumed I can only be one thing, or write one genre. Instead of having multiple jobs, which I feel I am starting to collect, I want to have multiple projects that I am involved in. The idea that I could be working on multiple writing projects that I love and can equally divide my attention to,Â would be a dream come true.Â Can you imagine how easy it would be to work three jobs if you loved going to them and they paid equally? How great would it be if they were all just a little different, in order to keep you entertained but nothing ever felt like work. Instead of my current situation, one job that pays nothing, another that you enjoy but is a ton of work and one that pays the bills but you hate going to.Â Â It is all just overwhelming.
I have found the one thing that makes sense and know it is what I want to be when I grow up, I have never felt that way about anything before.Â I also know it is going to be my biggest and hardest challenge yet.Â In order to deal with that, I just shut down. I feel like I spend my days trying to work myself up to writing. I’m surrounded by my daily responsibilities, taking my oldest to school, working the job that pays the bills, taking care of my family, taking care of the house and doing all those things that fall under being a mom and an adult. The one thing I want to do is write, but I feel it’s the hardest thing for me to take the time to do.
It isn’t an absence of things to do, I’m not even sure a lack of time accurately describes it. Let’s face it, if you want something you’ll make time for it no matter what. When I start to write, it consumes me and I loose track of time. That is definitely not a good thing when your life can be scheduled to the minute. I will feel like only minutes have passed but the day is gone before I know it.Â That is probably the real issue.Â I want to be able to just do nothing but focus on the writing.Â I will have an hour to write, or I just want to post this Tweet really quick. Before I know it hours have passed or I haven’t finished what I started but I get interrupted and lose my train of thought.
I’m also everywhere with my thoughts and ideas and trying to get my writing and name out there. I enjoy promoting and researching and engaging in social media but that all takes away from the writing.Â It feels more like a choice, do I have time to write or do I need to send this Post.Â Maybe I need to submit my book to more publishers, locate more ways to get my name out there.Â I’m always trying to do more. More tweets for attention. More blog posts for a better understanding of me. More writing to finish the ideas I have. I just keep expecting more and more from myself to the point where I get nothing done and avoid writing all together. Which is a problem when you only have a few hours here and there to accomplish anything.
In a world where it seems we expect more or others expect more from us, how do we find that balance? Currently I’m struggling with that. I’m opting for my favorite escape, into my mind and dreams where everything seems so much clearer later on. However, it tends to prevent me from doing what I set out to accomplish. How do we get from expectations to reality? That is going to be my biggest challenge moving forward. How do I make my instinct to be a good mom and the expectation to do everything to be a good adult, mix with my dreams of writing? Is there room for more in my life? I’m full of doubt and confusion while I’m seeing if I can figure it all out, and incorporate more into my life because I can always take on more. It will be interesting to see exactly how much more I can take on and make work. I am always up for the challenge and enjoy pushing myself.
I feel like I am starting to get a handle on all the social media requirements and expectations.Â I have a Facebook page, it is linked to my Twitter account which I can easily make posts that link to Facebook.Â The self doubt kicks in though, am I annoying my Facebook followers, what do Twitter followers want to see? These are all the questions I ask myself with every post, tweet and blog.Â I have created FOUR websites! What was I thinking?! I spent the entire night getting them uniform and professional.Â I also discovered a website to broadcast my stories to attract more readers.Â It is really good, checkout Inkitt.com.
You can find me via Nichole Kay. However, all my current works are going to be displayed on my websites.Â I will move them to that site when I feel they are ready.
With the challenge of all the expectations I have for myself, what others expect and just what I want to get done, there is one thing I never thought I would have to really face.Â I struggle with an attention for detail.Â Some will say that I have one, but if they ever really got to know me, they would realize I do not. I am more of get it out there, get it done and call it good.Â However, I keep hearing,Â ‘Anything worth doing, is worth doing right.’ I follow this well.Â Any project I set out to do, I want it done well. I am not going to piece it together. I am going to make sure it is complete and how I want it. I will not notice if there are extra spaces or a return out of place.Â I may miss some grammar errors or a lot.Â At first glance it will be complete and visually appealing. With anything though, I can look at it over and over and see all the things that need to be corrected. Especially, when I look at anything through with a new set of eyes.
I discovered this while organizing my latest book.Â My sister would look over my work. If something was not centered or one side had more space than the other she would notice.Â I do not notice those things right away.Â The only way I will notice things like that, if I am laying awake in bed.Â Then I will see that the drywall tape on the ceiling is showing or that spot that needs a second coat of paint.Â It is truly interesting what others will pick up on versus what we normally see.
Anyways, I just needed to voice my exhaustion of trying to keep everything straight, organized and stay productive.Â I am excited to write and make things available.Â To avoid ridicule, I will pace myself on posting things though. If you notice errors, it was only so I would have the ability to get it out sooner. Please judge nicely.Â I hope others can relate to my rants.Â Maybe soon I will be able to put it all together and provide some amazing epiphany on how to manage everything in life and be the best we can be. Till then, happy reading. I hope I can give you what you are looking for. I feel this may have been a little disjointed journey into my thoughts, I hope it wasn’t that confusing.