If you read my last post it was a lot about discovering being an author. I think the main take away is I think after years of trying to figure it out, I have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up! I am excited about that.  However, this may turn into my most stressful an exhausting job ever, well next to being a mom. Let’s face it being a mom there are no sick days or vacation time. With writing at least you set your own schedule. I think it’s one of those things though that the amount of effort put in equals the amount of return you get back.

I have published my first book and I have spent hours trying to get the word out there. I sit and refresh my social media pages and my book sales numerous times to see what is happening. I have reached a new level of insanity. It is truly maddening. Here I sit though ready to take on the world and figure out all the social media and promoting tricks. It is completely exhausting. However, with every like, tweet, and sale I get, there is a sense of knowing that I am getting attention and my dreams are not that far out my reach.

The start of this post seemed like such an epiphany driven post and then it just stopped. I should also clarify here, I am going to be typing like I think. Kind of a free writing blog where I can just let my mind wander. All my other writing and life is so structured it would be nice to have a space that is where I can express all my thoughts uninhibited. So enjoy the peek into my mind, it can get scary and confusing and I apologize now.

I originally wanted this post to be about the long struggle to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, but now I cannot remember if I said that the last post or not. Well I’ll say it again, but probably completely different. It will be an interesting journey regardless.
I had mentioned before how I didn’t give much thought to be a writer when I grew up. I was going to be a lawyer. Then I actually worked for and had to see the dealings behind the scene. I also had to deal with court proceedings in my own life. Maybe one day we’ll get to that story, but I digress. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth.  I didn’t want that to be my life. I had another thought though to, Would I be good enough? My parents always told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. All the TV shows delivered the same message. I believed it every minute of the day. Then I went to work, Then I was faced with disappointment and hurt and being told I wasn’t good enough. I needed more experience . I started to doubt myself .  Little by little the doubt would flare up. Others would reaffirm my doubt.It was never intentional, it was usually their own doubt crossing over into my doubt. If they didn’t believe they could be anything they wanted to be, why would I think I could be anything I wanted to be. They often proved that they couldn’t do it, how could I do it.

So I had a job that I didn’t like how things were done. If I was motivated and full of hope I would have said I would change it. I would make it better, hurrah! I was hitting that cynical door. I was hearing what was coming out of it. So I thought if I doubt I can even be a lawyer how can I possibly be good enough to change everything.  However, I reached this Epiphany while I was in college studying psychology to help me read people better  for witnesses and such. That was the plan. The plan was also to study to be a paralegal while going to college. That way I could get my certification and start getting my legal experience right away. That was motivated full of life, Nichole’s dream. I was real Nichole and I already worked and went to school full time how can I do that as well?

I went to school for a degree I didn’t plan to use and a dream I was starting to give up on. I was going to school in North Dakota at the time. The freezing temperatures and deep snow didn’t help my desire to go to class. I also was never one to want to go to class or wake up early. I was about a full semester away from graduating and I just stopped caring and failed an entire semester. I also was transitioning jobs. I was unhappy and knew I needed to make some changes to make life better.

I changed jobs a few times, I always assumed I’d be happy if I just found a good job. I actually found it. It was a police dispatcher for the city. It was great and full of excitement. I got to meet new people and experience new things, but it just wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t happy. I knew I could never deal with the cold and be happy. I was bored in life and needed more. I had the opportunity to move to Arizona and I took it. I was willing to walk away from everything I had to start over in a new place. I needed a change and that’s just what I did.

I packed up my house, put my house up for sale and left North Dakota for Arizona with no job, no place to live except the camper I was driving and a dream of a change. That whole experience is a story in itself. That will be later. I was motivated to make Arizona work and I did. I got good jobs. If I didn’t like what I did I would move on to something better. After quite a few years in Arizona I had everything a house, a family with two kids ava two dogs and a really good paying job. I had gone back to school and got my psychology degree, another great post opportunity about my feelings on college, later.

At this point I reevaluated my life. I still wasn’t happy and I should be happy. I had struggles like anyone but it shouldn’t have been as bad as it was. I had read self help books. Everything they said made sense, it all felt like common sense. I looked at my job though. It had tons off opportunity for growth and advancement. I had put 6 years of my life into that job. However, I hated it. The only reason I went to work was cause I liked a lot of my co-workers but I also had a lot that made me dread going to work. I just didn’t know what to do. I felt all the signs pointed to quitting. I took a leap of faith and decided to sell insurance and do customer service from home so I could keep my income steady.

It was at that decision I felt for the first time that I really started to understand and get myself on the right track. I started to feel the bitter and angry Nichole go away. The motivated and full of dreams Nichole emerged. I felt for the first time I finally had a plan of action and the only one in my way was seriously me and I worked hard to get out of my way. Sometimes I held me back, sometimes I pushed me forward. However, I still had no idea what to be when I grew up. Do I stick with customer service and try to climb the corporate ladder again? It was a plan I was familiar with, I knew I’d learn from my mistakes and this time I could really succeed. Every time that thought crossed my mind, all I could think was a big fat  nope! I tried to learn more and look around at other possible career paths. I knew it was just the responsible adult option.

Then I’d consider insurance salesman. I could see that as an option. It gave me the freedom I needed. I would have the income potential I desperately needed. However, there was zero stability and I only made money if I put 110% in. I kept trying to convince myself I could do it. I’m still trying to convince myself I can do it but I am still not sure it’s ultimately what I want to be when I grow up. Do I go back to school and get my masters in psychology so I can do something with my degree or do I finish my original plan and go to law school? None of that really felt right. So I would tell people I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. They thought I was being funny. The truth, I had dreams of what I wanted to do in life but I had no idea how to get there and what I would like to do to get there.

Now we have come full circle, after years of deciding what I want to be when I grow up, I have finally found it. I want to be an author. I want to write like I’ve never wrote before. I want to finally write down all the idea and stories that have been in my head for years begging to come out. Since I’ve started writing I’ll think of an idea and won’t be able to stop writing till it’s complete. So far I have this blog I want to commit to. This is going to be my public journal of my thoughts and opinions and discoveries. Included in that ramblings is going to be me attempting to make my weight loss dream a reality along with my other hopes and dreams. If I’m not accountable to anyone I’ll never succeed but if I get outside pressure and start being completely honest with my self I will succeed.

I’ll be writing a blog and page for GiveMomBrownies.com that will be for news about the book and other ideas I’ll be having in the future. I also decided to try and get my other writing ideas out there. They’ve been ideas for awhile and will be fun to share, but take a lot longer to complete. Those writings are going to be on nickyskingdom.com I’ll seperate each page to be a different story and a new blog post will be a new installation of the story. Also we all have our dark dirty side and sometimes you just need to get lost in your own dirty thoughts. So add the need arises or if one of my stories lends itself to a really good erotic scene I’ll be writing those versions on my other website at nickyskinkdom.com! I am thinking that between keeping up with 4 websites, a Facebook page, a Twitter account and other social media my writing career is going to be the most time consuming experience of my life. However, it’s definitely something I am super excited to begin. I feel like I’ve just been waiting to write everything I have to say down so I can finally stop talking all the time and just listen and experience life.

So far I have my other jobs still, I’m a Mom with a child about to go to kindergarten and a three year old, I have to take care of my household and now I want to be a writer. I think to say I’m busy is the understatement of the century. I feel like super woman ready to take on the world. I just have to keep reminding myself I can be anything I want to be, I just have to work hard for it. If I work hard I’ll have my dreams come true. That’s the message I want my children to learn and the only way they’ll get it us if they see it happen. I’m going to make this happen for me and my children. I want them to be the best versions of me, I want to contribute two amazing productive members of society. We all have to start somewhere if we want to make a change. I’ve learned over the years, if you are not happy with something, figure out what it is and how you are going to change it. Only you are responsible for your own happiness.